Florida SBDC eLearning Network

Being Elusive: Key to Certain Dates

by Keen Opas

Here is some mental thinking here for you guys and gals. The truth is is that by being too available you don’t look as appealing as you can. Think about it, what things that aspire you. Perhaps good clothes? Name brand jewelry? Expensive cars, watches or boats? Whatever it is, the fact here is that the things we want the most in life are usually the things that are least likely to ever be gotten. These things are seen as worthwhile because they are rare to people, unless you’re rich. But that’s the key here, rarity. The less we can get something and the more it’s held from us, the more we will want it after first need or feeling of desire is made.

That which is unobtainable to us is seen as all too sweet, Johnny Depp to Brad Pitt, we can always dream but we can’t have it. And that’s the point of the article I’m writing for you today. When you go out to date you need to not be so available. Get off the phone where you’ve been most the day and stop being available all 24 hours of the day and start looking like you have other things to do then just be open all the time. The reason for this is as I already stated, if you create a need and remove it the desire factor just falls through the roof.

The only problem with that piece of advice is that it’s very very difficult for normal people to do normally without problems. At that moment where we finally meet someone that we really liked and stuff, we stop playing games right there. We want to be with them all the time, we want in their presence 24 hours of the day, when you wake up all you think about is when you are going to see them again. As good as that sounds, and as true as it may be, our date MAY not see things the same way and then boredom can possibly sink in. By being too available we dramatically lower our own attractiveness. We are officially less rare which makes you more common and not as desirable. But before I go on, remember, this is all a chance, I would assume this is how the average dater thinks, not ones that really want someone or are new to the dating game. It’s the ones that know if you were to break up they can just find someone else.


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Being enigmatic and elusive is what we need to train ourselves to do when we need to, and stop being AS available. I read once in a different article of a bartender in New York. He was a good looking man, would always attract the girls, but when it came down to it, he never seemed to get anywhere after the first few dates with girls. He really was a lovely guy and was probably the most reliable man you could have ever met. At this point he really wanted to know why the ladies seemed to just lose interest in him, they would stop calling and just stop seeing him. Now, keep in mind what I said up top, these girls or girls that date regularly as if it were some sport, not ones looking for serious relationships. So he did an experiment to see what would happen. He decided he would not call the females he dated, only once but that would be after the girl called, and even then he wouldn’t reply unless it was late. They would leave messages and pp into the bar he worked at to see him but he would make sure he never offered to make new arrangements for the two, he would let the girl suggest and make them. He was letting the woman chase him. What he did was maintain their interest levels, and discovered for this type of girl he had them chasing him. He became elusive, he had that air of mystery about him, he was now someone these girls wanted to get to know more, he was a challenge.

I myself, honestly speaking, never actually had this happen to me. I was looking for a lasting relationship and I found one, and usually the worst place to look for those are bars and clubs. I now have the love of my life and I never once actually dated anyone else in my life and I’m happy for it. One of them ‘love at first sight’ things for the both of us. But what you don’t want to do is make yourself too available to the point you learn the hard way. Meet a wonderful girl, it looks like its the perfect match since the moment you two meet, so much that you just toss the dating rules out the window and wing it. Spend weeks together with barely any breathing room and it all stop suddenly. She then wants to call things off. The reason is because you were WAY too available to her, you were there every time she opened her eyes, you altered how you were way to fast and way to soon, way too quickly for things to have worked out. You were there for all the right reasons but still, she needed space whether she knew it or not, and you were never out of that space, and thus you lost the girl.

So when you finally meet someone you like, you need to get things started of course, but make sure you still keep to your normal schedule and not be available every day. If you are free and open two days of the weekend, make one for you, one for your date. It’s really all about just making sure you got time for yourself, and your date has time for their self but still have time for each other. Don’t call all too much, resist the urge, and don’t always answer your phone, but make sure you got a nice activity list to tell your date next time you guys meet up.

In the end, the time apart will make things stronger, and eventually you can slowly close the gap to be together forever! Once, that is, you figure out your date is looking for a lasting relationship, if they are and it was that type of bar person, this is the best way to do so. But from my own experience me and my girl never had ‘together too much’ problems, because we love each other.