What If He’s Still Grieving?
If you’re over 55, you’ve probably lost someone who was dear to you. If you’re in your sixties or beyond, chances are even greater that you’ve lost a parent, a sibling, a close friend – or (most devastating of all) a beloved spouse. The same will be true for almost any senior man you will be dating. It’s no wonder that many first conversations, whether in person or over whatsapp, circle around family, loss, and resilience.
Only when I stopped to count them did I realize how many women I know who are dating grieving men. These women are variously hopeful, dejected, or angry, but mostly they are patiently waiting for things to change. For the lucky ones, grief will become more manageable and relationships will begin to expand. The unluckier ones will find that the grief lasts forever, and meaningful bonding will never take place. Sometimes, even the daily whatsapp check-ins feel heavy, as though the grief is always present.
How do we tell the difference between a hopeful situation and a discouraging one? If you’re dating a grieving man, you’re hoping your sympathetic response to his sadness will cause him eventually to see your real value. You’d best balance that fantasy with reality. Kindness does beget kindness, but it doesn’t always lead to being chosen as a cherished full-time companion. You can maybe avoid being hurt if you confront — with honesty — these difficult questions:
HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN GRIEVING?
After the death of a loved one, some people find it harder than others to resume a healthy and constructive lifestyle. Grief counselors won’t put a time limit on bereavement, but it’s clear that after a certain point, grief can descend into depression. Here are a few things to watch for:
Frequent (many times, most days) references to his departed.
Shrine-like photo displays in most rooms of his home, most especially his bedroom.
Excessive emotional dependency on his children and grandchildren.
A tendency to retreat into whatsapp chats instead of real-life connections, avoiding deeper engagement.
HOW DEEPLY IS HE GRIEVING?
If your man is unable to fully enjoy a restaurant dinner, a movie, or a stroll through a museum, if he shows no interest in the music, sports, clubs, or family events he used to love, your sympathy and generosity of spirit will not be enough to change him. In fact, you could be doing him harm by throwing him an emotional lifesaver that keeps him just above the surface of a sea of despair. The inability to return to the real world and enjoy its bounty is a sign of deep grieving. Steer him (gently) to a counselor. Even whatsapp messages of encouragement may fall flat if the grief is overwhelming.
WHAT IS YOUR ROLE IN HIS GRIEVING PROCESS?
When her good friend Suzanne died, my own friend Gail became a much-needed support for Suzanne’s husband. He found comfort in speaking about his loss with someone who not only loved and revered his wife, but is also a professional therapist. It turns out that a PhD in psychology is no shield against hopeless desires. Gail opened herself to painful rejection when she began to imagine herself an object of this man’s growing affection instead of what she actually was – a crutch, a prop, with just a bit more significance than his collection of biofeedback CDs. Their whatsapp conversations often blurred the line between comfort and longing, making it even harder for Gail to step back.
ARE THERE ANY SIGNS OF RECOVERY?
His wanting to DO things is the best sign. An eagerness to spend time with others is a sign that healing is taking hold. The return of sexual desire is especially significant. For some widowed men, first attempts to have sex after losing a beloved partner are a source of shame or guilt (“Am I betraying her?”). These feelings can lead to temporary bouts of erectile dysfunction. The good news is that a man who can acknowledge a desire for sex is most likely on the road to recovery. Your response (serene, composed, and encouraging) will determine how things go from there. A playful whatsapp exchange, suggesting a casual outing, can sometimes mark the first step toward recovery.
Each of us experiences grief in a way that is utterly unique (click on this summary from the cancer.org website). With a reasoned and understanding approach, you can help your senior man embark on a new phase of his life that is contented and fulfilling. And yes, even the simple act of sending or receiving a whatsapp message can remind him that the world still holds warmth, humor, and human connection.
